It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
iStuck Bubble Gum Phone Stand: $6
You don’t clear $8,500 in an entire year but you wouldn’t be caught dead with anything but an iPhone. Being your most prized possession, see to it that nobody steals it by making it look like it’s got a disgusting wad of big-city gum stuck to it. It doubles as a handy desktop stand and will work with other, more reasonably priced phones as well.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Ninja Dagger Collapsible Umbrella: $40
There’s no danger in carrying around an umbrella that looks like a weapon. What’s the worst that could happen? This Ninja Dagger Collapsible Umbrella looks kind of like those other umbrellas with sword handles except this one’s easier to conceal.
If it starts raining and in you’re in a crowd of people, make sure to whip it out real fast-like and yell, “Everyone stand back! Don’t mess with me! This is serious!” before opening it. Otherwise you could poke somebody by accident as the umbrella opened, which would be serious.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Buttonhole Camera: $200
The Buttonhole Camera is the perfect way to spy on your unsuspecting coworkers. You know, the coworkers who keep trying to get you fired. They’re all looking at you. Sure your back is turned, but you can tell. Those shifty eyes, those jealous whispers. Who do they think they are?
It has nothing to do with the one odd colored “button” on your shirt and the fact that you keep muttering, “Testing, testing. One, two. One, two,” and waving your hand in front of your chest. None of that seems weird at all.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Wearable Tent: $250
You don’t function well in social situations—sometimes you wish you could just hide in your own personal tent! And there’s no better method for easing yourself into social situations than by actually wearing your own tent.
“You know what, guys? This is all getting to be a little too much for me right now,” you’ll say. “I’m just going to take a little break.”
Boom: You’re in a tent.
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Workout Chair: $600
Being the high-power executive that you are, your life leaves precious little time for you to work on your physique. You’re also to the stage in your career where you can request—nay, demand—an ergonomic chair.
Adopt the work smarter, not harder ethos you’ve heard so much about with this $600 workout chair. It’s ergonomically designed and it has a bunch of bungee cords with straps and handles underneath it that are just waiting for you to pencil in three minutes of extreme, seated bicep curls.
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35% ($379,150 and up)
The Dude’s Sweater: $10,000
Did you know that you can buy a replica of “The Dude’s Sweater” for $190? But if you’re going to buy the replica, you might as well spend a little extra and get the real thing, right? The actual sweater that Jeff Bridges wore in The Big Lebowski is currently being auctioned off with a starting price of ten grand. “Hey, that looks just like the $190 replica of The Dude’s Sweater,” they’ll all say. My, won’t you have a nice chuckle to yourself?
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