It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Freeloader Spork: $10
You have very little money, ergo you have very little food, ergo you’re a freeloader. And I think you’ll find the two-foot telescoping Freeloader Spork to be the ultimate weapon in any freeloader’s arsenal.
How many times can this $10 apparatus pay for itself? Several. Hundreds. Thousands! It all depends on how much money your friends have and what kinds of upscale joints they eat at, now doesn’t it?
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Verbal Bicycle Bell: $25
Why yell, “On your left!” when you could have an electronic bicycle horn do it for you? Are you some kind of animal or something?!
Think of what people would say, too. “Geez, that guy was rude. It’s like, get an electronic bicycle horn, pal. What a menace.”
For $15, you can get the Verbal Bicycle Bell, which not only comes preloaded with “On your left!” but lets you store up to 20 seconds of your own voice!
Think of all the hassle you’ll avoid. Instead of constantly saying, “I’m drunk on a bike! Somebody get that baby out of the way!” you could just pre-record it.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Star Wars Trash Compactor Bookends: $200
“Classy. As. Hell.”
Get ready to hear those three words uttered by anybody and everybody that walks through your front door. Sure, $200 is a big outlay for bookends and, sure, you don’t read for pleasure but last I checked, these bookends depict the classic trash compactor scene from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The books you don’t even own are really the least important part here.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Urinal made from old Super Nintendo games: $250 + games
My uncle actually has a urinal in his house. I asked why he put it there—not that I was complaining—and he just said, “I’ve always wanted one, I guess, so I just put this one in when we built the house.”
It was at that point that I decided I, too, would have my own urinal if I ever built a house. Mine would look a lot like the one in the above photo, though, now that I know such a thing exists.
It’s important to note that all of those games are broken. It’d be downright blasphemous to use working video games for such a project.
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Maid Computer Case: $616
This fully-functioning, maid-inspired computer case might be the dumbest thing I’ve seen since Monday, but that’s just something people like me who don’t have $616 to spend on a fully-functioning, maid-inspired computer case say to make ourselves feel better. YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT PROBLEM.
I don’t want to know where the power supply is located. I don’t want to know where you’re supposed to access all the ports. I don’t want to know what happens when you eject a CD or DVD. Or do I?
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35% ($379,150 and up)
JetLev Flyer: $186,300
Some people have little lakeside cabins and fishing boats. Some people have lakeside homes and speedboats. You have a lakeside mansion and, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll pre-order this JetLev Flyer.
“Oh there goes Mr. Pennyfeather on his JetLev,” all your neighbors will say. “He made his money in nails and screws, though he always referred to them as ‘fasteners’ since it made them sound less blue-collar. Now he has a JetLev. Let that be a lesson to you, kids.”
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