It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Titanium Straw: $15
At your income level, you need to spend money to make money. Actually, let’s take baby steps here. You need to spend money to save money. Counter-intuitive? No! Not if you’re talking about how many disposable straws you go through in a lifetime.
Why not just buy one straw—a really nice straw—that you can use for the rest of your life? It’s possible if you harness the power of titanium, and it’ll only cost you $15. And if your lifelong dream has been to recreate that scene in that old Tropicana commercial where they stick the straw into an orange, now you can. Good luck getting any juice out of it—but still!
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Simplest Cell Phone Ever: $97
You fancy yourself something of a stand-up comedian and your favorite tech shtick to launch into when you’re around your friends goes something like, “What’s with all these fancy phones? How about a phone that just makes phone calls?! Do they even make those any more?! Ha!”
Yep, they do. Here’s your phone, Dane.
It’s got numbers, call and end buttons, and you store your contacts on paper, which is built into the back of the phone. No ringtones, no photos, no two-year contracts, no recharging it for three weeks. Enjoy!
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Hands Free Hair Rejuvenator: $700
Cool helmet, Guy. Where’s the danger? Ohhh, it’s a hair rejuvenator. I thought you had to use your hands to rejuvenate hair growth, but it looks like you’ve beaten the system.
I see it’s got a built-in set of headphones, which will come in handy when you need to drown out all the laughter. BUT WHO WILL BE LAUGHING WHEN YOU GO FROM LOOKING LIKE A MODERN-DAY RON HOWARD TO A HAPPY DAYS-ERA HENRY WINKLER??? WHO???!!!
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Life-size R2-D2: $1080
Know what your house needs? Life-size R2-D2. Bet you hadn’t considered that until right now but I bet you’re thinking it makes a whole lot of sense right now, huh? Beep-boop-beep.
It doesn’t actually make any noise like that, but that’s what’ll be going through your head every time you walk past it. Your wife’s yelling at you, your kids are acting like spoiled brats, beep-boop-beep. Thanks for being there, R2.
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Pomson 6000 Sub Atomic Wave Gun: $3,990
As a direct result of your income level, you have very nice things. And, as such, you have a vested interest in protecting those very nice things. But what do you do if you want to scare the bejesus out of would-be intruders while not actually hurting said would-be intruders? The lawsuits could get ugly—life over property, and all that happy crap.
Might I suggest this $4,000 sub atomic wave gun?
It won’t actually do anything to anybody but boy-oh-boy will your next would-be intruder wonder what in the hell kind of weapons you have access to as a direct result of your income level. “Yeah, it’s new,” you’ll say. “Wanna help me test it out, or were you just leaving?”
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35% ($379,150 and up)
Tetris for Sega Genesis: $1 Million
Have you ever heard of this game, Tetris? Dude, it’s awesome. It came out for a lot of different systems back in the day, but Gameboy was where it blew the lid off the dump. There were apparently only 10 copies of the game created for the Sega Genesis, though. What gives?
One of those 10 Genesis games is up for auction at eBay. Oh, it’s rare alright. Not only is it one of the only copies of the game, but it’s the only copy to be signed by Tetris creator Alexey Pajitnov.
I know, right?! Instant nerd cred. It’s like playing Tetris and all you get are the long rectangle blocks.
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