It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Wearable Flashing Roller Skates: $19
At your income level, transportation is always a pretty significant challenge. What if I told you that you could get anywhere you want to go, twice as fast, and with everyone looking at you? AND ALL THIS FOR $19!!!
Just strap on your wearable flashing roller skates and—BAM!—you’re little more than a cloud of dust illuminated by some cool LED lighting. But don’t just take my word for it—the product description says it all:
“Fast to wear and play. Your shoes can become roller skating, and just spend few minutes to attach the Flashing Roller in the shoes! Funny enough!”
See? Exactly.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
‘My Wake Up Call’ Motivational Alarm Clock: $60
You’re slowly working your way up the corporate ladder but sometimes you just need a little extra push. While motivational posters have helped somewhat, you can’t help but wonder if an alarm clock that wakes you up with motivational speeches from some of the most annoying influential go-getters on the planet might just give you that extra edge you’re looking for.
Check out some of the sample messages here. Keep in mind that you’re actually awake right now and you can’t even get through an entire message. Now imagine this first thing in the morning. As long as you put the alarm clock on the other side of your bedroom, you’ll NEVER oversleep again.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Animal Keyboard Message Cards: $112
Blogs (such as this one) can get a little too niche-y from time to time, but I know for a fact that just about all of you have been looking for animal-shaped stationary that costs over $100 and fits on someone’s keyboard.
Well, your wait is finally—finally!—over. Animals: penguin, cat, rabbit, elephant, giraffe, crocodile, polar beer, kangaroo, deer, duck, pig. Twenty sheets to a set, 11 sets in the collection.
Imagine the look on your co-worker’s face when she sees a kangaroo on her keyboard that says, “How many times do I have to tell you to keep your stupid-ass hands off my yogurt?” That one kangaroo may have cost you 50 cents, but the message it sends will be priceless.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Heated Pet Car Seat: $150
“Julian, Alastair—you guys okay back there? How’s the temperature? Sorry it’s so cold here in Florida! Let me know if you need anything, okay? Is your $150 heated car seat helping? Sorry I only bought one! We had to get groceries this week, too. We’ll run home and drop you two off first and then I’ll go pick my son up from his baseball practice that ended a half hour ago. I know how you guys like to have the back seat all to yourselves.”
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Facebook Profile Dress: $Dignity
This is technically a “dress” made by a “designer,” which means it’s prohibitively expensive. But not for you! You have the means to hire a “designer” to make you your own Facebook dress!
Looks like you’ll need the following supplies: fabric, two sheets of transparency paper like they used to use for overhead projectors back when I was in school, and something to attach the transparency paper to the fabric.
Oh, and a designer of course. The materials are probably the least expensive part of the most expensive dress you’ll ever own.
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35% ($379,150 and up)
Lamborghini Golf Cart: $20,500
Dude—sorry, I meant “sir or madam”—you HAVE to buy this. For starters, it’s a golf cart. Surely you play golf. Second, it’s a golf cart that looks like a Lamborghini. Surely you like Lamborghinis.
Third, you can say to your help, “Hey, Help. How much does your car cost? Oh yeah?! My golf cart costs more than your real car! Why don’t you go outside and wash it while you let that sink in.”
Man, talk about your all-time jerks. Unbelievable.
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