It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Bev-Burry Phone Flask: $13
Just because all your buddies are throwing down real money for real drinks doesn’t mean you can’t join them at the bar. Use this $13 flask shaped like a BlackBerry to sneak in your own libations!
It’s a cutting-edge model, too, which means nobody will suspect that you’re in such a low income bracket. “Apps? Yeah, this one has an app,” you’ll say. “The app is that there’s booze in it that I can drink. I don’t really see the point of downloading anything else—unless it’s empty, then I’ll download more booze into it.” Bonus: It comes with a cool belt holster, too.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Keyboard Quiet Cover: $37
Nobody told you that getting a job in an office would result in such incessant typing. It’s everywhere! And what’s up with all the clicking noises, too?
Treat your nearest (and, by extension, least favorite) co-worker to this $37 Keyboard Quiet Cover as you simultaneously treat yourself to some peace and quiet. You may be the last person in the office to still use pen and paper, but that doesn’t mean you should have to listen to people typing all day.
And the clicking! What IS that?!
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Pet High Chair: $50
The American Dream, starring you. House, car, 2.3 kids, and a dog.
Poor dog, it has to eat food out of a bowl on the ground like an animal! As an important member of your family, why not let your dog join you at the dinner table with the $50 Pet High Chair? “How was your day, Julian? My, you’re looking handsome today! Want the last slice of pizza, Julian? You haven’t even touched your special cookies and cheesecake, silly!”
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
SpringFlex Desk-Mounted Home Gym: $80
Fact: Your co-workers don’t actually have a problem with you working shirtless. They’re just jealous. You’re actually creating a safe work environment because, had you been wearing a shirt, it would have ripped off and sent shards of cotton everywhere. That’s totally dangerous.
The $80 “SpringFlex UB” attaches to any standard desk and “lets you do over 120 exercises.” Combine that with all the typing you do, and your forearms will look like giant, manly, delicious hams in no time at all.
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Crystal Lipstick Mouse: $140
Hey, nice lipstick. Are those Swarovski crystals? Wow, you must really be doing well for yourself. What?! That’s not lipstick! It’s a mouse?!
You must be both moving AND shaking at your new job. Anyone who spends $140 on a Crystal Lipstick Mouse won’t be in this tax bracket for long. You’re clicking your way to the top in style—sassy, yet sensible.
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35% ($379,150 and up)
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SUHOjnkmlI]
Killer Whale Seabreacher: $65,000+
I really can’t stress how important it is that you buy this product. If you live on a lake, it’s a must-have. Imagine the shocked and horrified looks you’ll get from everyone as they witness a killer whale that somehow found its way into their freshwater lake—whup, nope, that’s just the eccentric millionaire tooling around in his Seabreacher again. Carry on. Carry on.
And another thing: If you make this kind of money and you don’t live on a lake, looks like now’s the perfect time to get a lake place, right? Right.
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