It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Cartoon Baggage Clock: $10
So your apartment has no windows and it’s in the basement of an old, decrepit building and it’s not even really an apartment so much as a utility room that you rent. That doesn’t mean you can’t spruce the place up a bit.
And my, isn’t this a handsome set of luggage-themed timepieces? You get the classic styling of roller suitcases plus the ability to tell what time it is, plus the little plaque under the zipper says “I love you” for some reason. There’s a lot going on here—all of it weird and/or wonderful.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
Earonic iPhone Case: $20
Finally this exists! You don’t work on your sweet sideburns and ear flare only to cover everything up whenever you talk on the phone. Luckily, there’s the Earonic iPhone case. There are several styles available for all face types, all at the low, low price of just $20. Be sure to check out the one that looks like an ear with a Bluetooth earpiece stuck in it. Very smashing.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Creepy Face Pillow: $25
You’re majorly crushing on your next-door neighbor, Robert. Totes. He’s so cute. But you’re too shy to talk to him! No matter: Just sift through the piles of photos you’ve taken of him without his knowledge, find your fave, and then have it turned into a cuddly pillow. Oh, and continue wearing a full sweater to bed like in the above image. That’s totally normal behavior, despite what anyone (your therapist included) tries to tell you.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Cockroach Backpack: $64
Those damn kids stole your backpack again. How many times must you get robbed by small children?! There’s only one way to get people to keep their grubby hands off your stuff: Yep. Giant cockroach backpack.
Sure, it doesn’t actually hold anything—that’s what you get for trying to use a Halloween prop as a backpack—but a pair of scissors and a basic zipper kit are all you need to make the conversion. It may seem like people are staring, but that’s probably because it’s actually pretty hard to add zippers to things, so they’re likely just admiring your handiwork.
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Spark Emitting Electric Scooter: $190
Every great business leader rides a scooter around the office. That’s how we got all those wildly successful dot-com companies back in the late ’90s that (I can only assume) are all still doing really well today. And while you could get by with a standard-issue CEO scooter, why not jazz things up a bit with a $190 scooter that shoots sparks out the back of it? You know, just to really announce your presence around the office. I don’t know which company the young man in the above photo runs, but he looks like he loves his work.
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35% ($379,150 and up)
Gucci Carbon Fiber Shoes: $2,000
The thing about carbon fiber: It’s awesome. The problem with carbon fiber: You have to explain to most people why it’s so awesome. So the best course of action with these $2,000 Gucci carbon fiber shoes—which look like nice shoes that have mated with bicycling shoes for some reason—is to talk about them as much as possible so that people ask you about them.
“Sorry I’m late. I walked here. I figured since my shoes cost more than most people’s first car, I’d treat them like a car. I have a car, though. Why would I have $2,000 shoes and not have a car? Oops, did I just say how much my shoes cost? That’s tacky. Know what’s not tacky? Carbon fiber.”
See how natural that sounds?
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