If there is one cultural event in no danger of being underreported, it’s the San Diego Comic Book Convention. I’m shocked the internet was able to handle its regular duties (porn, stock info, amateur porn), with all the bandwidth being devoted to frantic photos of Hugh Jackman, the Owlship and Lego Indiana Jones standing next to a guy …
Gotham City Family Court
Barbara Gordon
Plaintiff
Vs.
Commissioner James Gordon
Defendant
The Plaintiff above named, complaining of the Defendant herein, alleges and states as follows:
1) The parties hereto are husband and wife. Throughout the marriage, the Plaintiff has been a faithful wife and loving mother of their son and …
I just Googled the phrase “Who Watches the Watchmen Trailer,” and got 545 hits. So much for that blog title.
Lord, I wish I had the strength of will to wait see this trailer as it was meant to be seen: in a theater crammed with fanboys lusting to see The Dark Knight — fanboys who don’t know that before Nolan’s sad sad sad …
This week, the internet has been ablaze with stories like this one on CNET.
Okay, not ablaze. But a bunch of articles. Here’s the deal. A Simpsons episode I wrote, called “The Dad Who Knew Too Little,” had a joke in it where Homer gave his email address as: ChunkyLover53@aol.com. Ha ha. Homer thinks of himself as fat and sexy. Ha …
The exciting conclusion of 14-year-old Matt Selman’s 1986-era A Prologue to the Dark Knight. Any similarities between this and 37-year-old Christopher Nolan’s 2008-era The Dark Knight are surely not coincidental.
SCENE 2
Batman disregards Alfred’s warning, and is captured by the police while trying to kill the Joker. Enter Batman …
Jonathan Nolan’s The Dark Knight will be relased on July 18, 2008. Matt Selman’s A Prologue to the Dark Knight was written on April 27, 1986, months away from his fifteenth birthday. Whose work is truly, “an ambitious, full-bodied crime epic of gratifying scope and moral complexity”? You be the judge.
SCENE 1
Enter Batman and …
The Founding Fathers of the United States successfully develop space travel. George Washington is the first man on the Moon, and immediately asphyxiates.
The Nazis win the Civil War.
Batman’s parents are never murdered, and Bruce Wayne grows up to be Spider-Man.
World War II never happens – resulting in the following movies: …
Video Games are as much a drug as heroin or crystal meth, in that when you play them, you feel GREAT. I defy any to drug user to say the sensation of sitting back in your couch as that first game of Grand Theft Auto IV loads up doesn’t compare to a veinful of the finest black tar street horse.
Who knows if these games are really bad …
As I get older, it only becomes more and more clear I will never read all the books I want to read before I die. There’s just no getting around it. There’s too many books! Even my Amazon Wish List, aka my Amazon “Don’t Want To Read That Much So I Will Put You On This Pointless List” List is swelling at over 300.
This is tough …
The following is an unedited transcription of one of Matt Selman’s actual seventh grade homework assignments.
I would like to meet…
I would like to meet Zaphod Beeblebrox from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams for three reasons.
Zaphod has three arms and two heads. I think it would be interesting to meet someone …
The following is an unedited transcription of one of Matt Selman’s actual eighth grade homework assignments.
Massively comic-book loving
Actively comic-book collecting
That is
The the [sic] avid
Hater of Wonder Woman
Ecch!
Wolverine is a
Super
Exciting
Lawless
Maniac
And
Not nice
Teacher’s comment: “Fun!”
Editor’s Note: Matt Selman is busy this week with his commitments to the world of television and movies. In his absence, please execute the following high-concept internet comedy piece: How would the guys who brought you The 40 Year-Old-Virgin, Knocked Up and SuperBad cast and change the plot of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit?
