It’s Friday! Maybe you just got paid. You could use that money for boring stuff like bills, rent, and food, or you could act like a wonderfully impulsive consumer and spend it on any number of products. Here are some ideas to get you started based on your taxable income bracket.
10% ($0 to $8,500)
Inflatable Beard: $4
Your life without this inflatable beard: “Excuse me, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. This is a high-class establishment that serves both food and fun. That’s the Applebee’s way—and we’re not about to change it. We can’t, in good conscience, serve your kind here. Regrettably, you will not be eating good in the neighborhood.”
Your life with his inflatable beard: “Welcome, sir! Table for one? Would you like a window booth all to yourself? Please, right this way! Someone will be right over to take your order. My, that’s a handsome beard, sir! Thank you ever so much for dining with us today!”
It’s up to you whether you want to choose the no-beard life or the yes-beard life. Monetarily, there’s a $4 difference between the two. That’s it. Intangibly, however, there’s an entire world of difference.
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15% ($8,500 to $34,500)
OCD Chef Cutting Board: $25
Well this is a relief. It’s like, a recipe calls for celery to be chopped into half-inch chunks and all these loose-cannon chefs are just dicing everything up willy-nilly and tossing it all into a pot. HALF-INCH CHUNKS! Is that so hard to understand?! Don’t even get me started on using a “pinch” of something.
This perfectly-proportioned cutting board features guide rules and mathematical measurements. The above product photo has positioned the board askew, however, which is really starting to bother me. I say “starting” but it took all my willpower to even use this photo at all. Man, I’m actually sweating now. Is this room I’m in smaller than normal? It seems smaller.
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25% ($34,500 to $83,600)
Official (official!) Harry Potter pants: $70
Gina from your office: She’s the one. But how can you get her to notice you? You’ve timed your visits to the Bizhub so they coincide with hers, yet she almost seems annoyed that she has to wait for you to retrieve your own printout before you scan it, convert it to a PDF, and e-mail it back to yourself.
If only there were a magical pair of $70 pants unlike any pair of pants in the history of pants pairs. THESE ARE THOSE PANTS. Just look at them! Look! They’re indescribably unique. Seems like they’d be quite a conversation starter while you’re using the Bizhub, no?
“Hey, Randy. It’s Randy, right? Are those official Harry Potter pants that you’re wearing? They look amazing,” Gina will say.
“Hi Gina. Sure, let’s go with Randy. It’s not important,” you’ll say. “Okay bye!”
We’ll work on it. You’ll get there.
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28% ($83,600 to $174,400)
Fiberoptic Earwax Cleaner: $432
Here you are spending a fortune on Q-tips when this $432 fiberoptic earwax cleaner can handle all your ear-cleaning needs and much, much more. Using a TV or video monitor (NOT INCLUDED, SO PICK ONE OF THOSE UP ON YOUR WAY HOME), you “simply attach an ear spoon, turn on the bright (dimmable) LED light, and put the tip anywhere you want to see,” according to the product description. But wait! There’s more!
“This extraordinary device can be used inside ears, on scalps, in noses, to check teeth, or anywhere else that needs a clear viewing. It is also useful for looking inside ANY dark and tight space, such as behind a refrigerator or in cracks.” Looks like you’ve got your weekend planned out: Take a gander behind the ol’ refrigerator, scope out some common household cracks, and then stick the apparatus in your ear.
The system looks very comfortable, too, as evidenced by the traumatized child in the above image.
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33% ($174,400 to $379,150)
Gumball Pinball Machine: $1,000
You’ve conquered the business world. You’ve conquered love. You’ve made your way into high society with ease, graceful yet determined in your ascent. Now there’s only one thing standing between you and the ultimate human experience: Gumball ownership.
As we all know, there’s no easy way to obtain gumballs. They’re rare as pink diamonds and twice as hard to extract from the earth. This $1,000 gumball pinball machine represents your greatest chance to get your hands on these forbidden delicacies.
It won’t be easy, though. There are four “win” holes and three “lose” holes. Navigate a gumball into the win hole, and all glory is yours. But shall it fall into the lose hole—well, let’s just say you don’t want your gumballs coming anywhere close to one of the lose holes. This is serious stuff here.
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35% ($379,150 and up)
A t-shirt (one T-shirt): $50,000
Finally, a t-shirt for the rest of us! While your so-called “friends” are kicking around in t-shirts made from whatever ungodly material regular t-shirts are made from, you’ll be ensconced in a comfortable and breathable (and magical, I might add) material known as “cotton.”
And don’t think this shirt is made from some cotton. Oh no, sir. This is made from—wait for it—100% cotton. I know! Only $50,000??
And the most insane part of all? The company donates 10% of each t-shirt purchase to charity. How in the world will they ever turn a profit?! That’s just poor business sense.
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